May 15, 2022. Two years, six months, three weeks, and two days, for the first time, my little one snoozed without the boobie in her mouth. She believed the story I made there was wasabi in my boobies and she won’t latch because of that. But after that, we were back to where we were. We continued on our breastfeeding journey with constant pull and push. I always tell her to stop already. That she is too big for it. That with her sharp teeth it hurts. But she won`t just let go like that. She likes to be a baby. To be carried in my arms like when she was just a newborn. She likes the comfort and the warmth it gives her. It is her most favorite part of me. It is her most favorite place to be close to me. It is also the easiest way to get her to calm down when she cries. When she gets sad or sleepy. It is a tool I used to get her attention and sometimes bribe her or scare her when she does something bad. I am not a perfect mom. And I do tell her sometimes `No more boobies for you`.

Now, July 16, 2022, Saturday, five nights have passed that she did not breastfeed anymore. It started when I went to the clinic and got medicine for my upset stomach. I told her she can`t breastfeed because I took medicine and the medicine is inside my boobies. I was surprised she did not hysterically refuse. Although she attempted to breastfeed a few times, she stopped trying when I reminded her about the medicine. She settled with hugging, touching, and kissing. This is the longest so far that she missed breastfeeding.

And tonight, I literally cried when again, my little one snoozed without me giving her the boobies. Instead, she hid under the blanket and slept on her side. I thought she was just playing hide and seek but she was not. She was actually trying to find a comfortable position to sleep.

I was hurt. I felt that she did not need me anymore. I miss the times her having to fall asleep on my chest. Those times when couldn`t sleep without the boobies. She is growing up and she can sleep on her own already. I was foolish for feeling that way. For many days and nights, since she became a toddler, I always complain when she breastfeed – It hurts. It`s too much. When is she going to stop? But now, that she stops, I want to go back again and nurse her and hold her in my arms.

Breastfeeding is hard. Weaning is hard. But letting go is the hardest. And moving on is a challenge I have to take.

I cried tonight and I am afraid that tomorrow, I might give in again and breastfeed her again. A part of me is telling, yes, it is fine. Carry her more. Hug her more. Nurse her more. But, my head says no. It is time to let go and let her grow and be a big girl already.