Sometimes I wonder how my mother did it seven times. Yes. Seven times. She got pregnant seven times. She gave birth to seven children, and I am the fifth of them.

Now, it’s my turn to give birth to my first child, and many things, I thought were beautiful about pregnancy seem to fade away.

Most of the things we read and heard about pregnancy are mostly about being blessed to carry a life, happiness of having a dream come true and the excitement of looking forward to the day parents can finally hold their babies in their arms, see them eye to eye, feel them skin to skin.

Few talk and elaborate on the rough road of becoming pregnant. And today I decided to spill the not-so-good beans of this nine-month harvest to tell everyone the hardships of women have to go through to bring life on earth.

THE IRONY AND THE STRUGGLES 

Pregnancy is not as easy as it seems to be.

Generally, when couples are younger (late teens and early twenties) and just want to have fun and enjoy each other’s company, the fear of becoming pregnant unplanned is high. Couples use all sorts of prevention to avoid unwanted pregnancy. We have the traditional calendar method, scientifically-based oral contraception method, fun-inhibiting withdrawal, religiously-based abstinence, and worst of all, abortion.

When couples want to start a family, that is when reality strikes. And the reality is magnified with the women’s age.

According to Healthline (healthline.com), “Somewhere around 25% of couples will be pregnant at the end of the first month of trying. About 50% will have conceived in 6 months. Between 85 and 90% of couples will have conceived at the end of a year. Of those that have not conceived, some still will, without any specific help. Many of them will not.”

INFERTILITY

Infertility is real. And sad. And hard. One out of eight couples has a hard time conceiving naturally and has to use scientific intervention(s) to conceive. I was, was one of the eight for many years. We used all sorts of techniques to get pregnant. We had the traditional calendar method when I had to use ovulation predictor strips to identify the ovulation and fertile days. I also took the scientifically-based fertility pills, had fertility massages for many nights, visited a chiropractor, and the grandest of them all, we did the assisted reproductive technology- In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Test-tube babies as what many call it.

THE ROUGH ROAD OF IVF

The roller coaster ride of going through IVF is the worst ride you’ll ever have physically, emotionally, and financially. First, you undergo ovarian stimulation where you inject hormones on your belly for many days starting on day one of your period to be able to produce eggs, multiple eggs, that may enlarge and hurt your ovaries, hurt your body and mess your emotions. Then, you undergo harvest where your eggs are collected by a doctor inserting a needle through your belly while you are unconscious under the effect of anesthesia. The number of collected eggs vary. If you have many (more than 20) you are at risk of 0HSS or Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome. If you have very few (less than 5), you might have to do another cycle. The husband will also do his part by providing the sperms. After that, the clinic will combine the eggs and sperms in a dish and wait for days to see if fertilization occurs. You will be given numbers after days of waiting. For example, from 15 collected eggs, 8 fertilized, 3 made it to blastocyst and ready for embryo transfer. You are lucky if you have these numbers. Many get nothing after harvest.

In my case, I did two cycles of egg retrievals. During the first round, I had so many eggs (more than 20) but they only harvested 15 because the rest were just tiny sacs. That gave me OHSS. I was bloated and in pain for days. I was asked to rest visiting the clinic for a month and wait until my ovaries return to normal. Out of 15 retrieved eggs, only 3 were fertilized. I was more than devastated. After all that I`ve been through, only 3. And worst, out of 3 fertilized egg, only 2 progressed and became blastocyst. After a month of resting my ovaries, I was asked to wait another month. And finally, after that, I could do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Before doing FET, I had to save early morning pee in a tube for many mornings and I had to go to the clinic every other day after that, to check if I ovulated already and that my system is ready for non-medicated FET. I was lucky my clinic was only about a thirty-minute drive from home. And on top of that, I had to do these things while working at my regular job, 8 AM to 5 PM.

My first FET failed. The second one as well the following month. No pregnancy. Just money (thousands of yen) spent. Thrown out of the window. Despite that, we decided to do another cycle of IVF. Back to zero. Injected my belly for stimulation and scheduled for egg retrieval again. We did sperm collection again. They only harvested 5 eggs and out of 5, only 3 fertilized and only 1 progressed to blastocyst. I did not have OHSS during the second cycle so I was able to do FET the following month. I thought that was the lucky one. They say “it only takes one” and my hope was high. I prayed and was very hopeful. I felt lucky when our hospital room was one of the nicest. I really thought that was the moment. My embryo at that time was more than a blastocyst. It was a hatching blastocyst. The embryo transfer was quick. It only lasted about ten minutes. I had to rest for an hour laying in bed and left the clinic after that. I had to wait for days. I thought I was almost there. I could feel it. I could feel that a life was growing inside me until one day I bled and my hope was shattered. But the bleeding was gone. It was just a drop and my hope rose even higher. That could be implantation bleeding. But no. Days later I bled again and the clinic confirmed it. I had a very tiny amount of HCG in my blood which meant that the embryo progressed in my womb a little bit, about to attach in my uterus and could not. It failed for the third time.

That was the end of it. No more. No more money to throw outside the window. No more spark of hope in our hearts that technology can help us conceive. We gave up.

SPARK OF HOPE, NEVER GIVE UP

Six months later, I felt that hope whispered in my ears. I visited another clinic to consult again. I told the new doctor everything I went through and what I desired. I want to have a baby as soon as possible. My time was running out. He grinned and said that it was not as easy as that, that there was no assurance. He checked my reproductive system and to my surprise, he said everything was fine. No problem at all. I used to have blocked fallopian tubes that made me do IVF. But it was cleared. He checked my husband`s swimmers as well. They were very healthy. I did see them under the microscope. I even saw my egg through the TV monitor. We monitored the growth of that egg and triggered ovulation when it reached into its right size. Days before the trigger my husband and I already worked on preparing the swimmers to meet the egg. I bet you already know how it is done. No further details.  But on the ovulation day, we ran out of time and energy. We could not work on sending more swimmers to meet the egg. We also had our day jobs we needed to work on, too. I was disappointed. Everything was wasted, I thought. On the day of the releasing of that one precious egg, how could we be so lousy?

All I had left was hope. The following days, I was checking on every single symptom I felt. Every twitch of pain was hope. Every dizzy spell was a sign.

THE PARALLEL LINES

Days before  Aunt Flo was expected to arrive, I did not have the usual spotting. I thought maybe it was just delayed. But when Aunt Flo did not come on the first day I expected her, a great amount of excitement caught me coming home from work during lunch break.  I had to do it. I could not wait in the evening to come home after work. Or wait for days after a missed period. I took a home pregnancy test (an old one I found lying in the box inside the cabinet under the sink). I peed on the stick and one line appeared. I looked at the enclosed piece of instruction to see how many minutes do I have to wait and when I looked at the stick again, the single line became two!

The most awaited two lines appeared right in front of my eyes while I was sitting like a princess in the humble (toilet) throne. I was half-believing and half-doubting. Could it be true? Maybe it was just a damaged, old HPT showing me a false positive. But deep inside me, I could feel it. I was not so sure if I needed to announce. It might not be true. But my excitement got me.  I messaged my husband and my sister as well with a picture of the test.  My sister was so happy she called, congratulated me and cried. My husband was in heaven as well. But we were kind of hesitant. We have been through this hope-believe-expect game many times. I had to see the doctor to confirm.

THE JUDGEMENT – WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID

The next day, I went to the clinic to tell the doctor of the good news and for him to confirm but to my surprise he just kind of laughed at me. He said it was too early to tell. It might have that the trigger caused the two lines to appear. That I had to go home and come back after a week or two. I could not believe it! That would be a no-doubt torture of waiting and waiting. “I need to know right now!”, I thought to myself. I wanted them to do a blood check on me or something to confirm but I was refused. The doctor told me that all I can do is wait. “Ninshin wa ninshin dakara“, meaning, if you really are pregnant then you are pregnant.

I went home. That was a Friday, I can still remember. And that weekend I was terrified if Aunt Flo would come. Came Monday, no Aunt Flo still.  I was even more anxious. I know I was pregnant. I needed to confirm. I went to the nearest clinic and bought a new HPT and alas! The two lines appeared again. Even darker!

There was no doubt I was pregnant. The day came I had to come back to the clinic and the ultrasound showed a gestational sac. And that was when the doctor said I was pregnant. ” If you only believed me,” I whispered to myself. But, then again, the doctor won`t let me celebrate yet. He told me to come back the next week again. He said that a gestational sac is not an assurance of being really pregnant. It could be empty. We needed to see a heartbeat. Another sure waiting torture for me.

THE RHYTHM OF LIFE

Fast forward, after a week later, I saw the most beautiful heartbeat on the TV monitor while my legs were wide open in front of the doctor. Oh, well. That did not matter. I could not count how many times I laid on that reclining chair and spread my legs wide open for the doctor to investigate whatever science he needed to do.

THE PROCLAMATION

After seeing that beautiful heartbeat, I was then proclaimed officially pregnant (confetti, confetti). I was given a note that I had to bring to the city hall to register my pregnancy and receive all the benefits of carrying a life inside me. I got all these pamphlets, all in Japanese, and the cutest key holder I have ever had. It says “Onaka ni akachan ga imasu”, meaning, “There is a baby inside my tummy” to let the people know I was pregnant while I was not showing yet. That was when I made an official Facebook announcement using that cute key holder.

THERE IS A RAINBOW AFTER THE RAIN AND THERE IS A TYPHOON WAITING TOO.

And you thought that was the start of a happy ending. No. this was just the start of a chain of discomforts and anxieties.

During the first trimester, for most pregnant women, nausea is real. Very real. The trips to the toilet are countless. Do not count the heartburn, hyperacidity, breathlessness, not wanting to eat or wanting to eat more, wanting to eat a specific food, usually hard to access food, that when you finally get it you don`t want it anymore. You want something else.

As for me, I could say I was lucky. My first trimester was not really that bad. I only threw up like one or two times. No heartburn or hyperacidity. The toilet trips were almost normal. I had been a constant toilet visitor anyway, so there`s not much change. I did not have any food aversions or cravings as well. What I had was a severe headache that comes and goes and fatigue that I had to go take a nap inside the car during lunch break one hot sunny day because I was so exhausted after a full morning class. And also my sense of smell was really strong I could tell which student didn’t take a shower and could smell an unpleasant odor like I never did before. But overall, everything was fine with me. I was told I was blooming like the flowers during spring. The pregnancy hormones made me feel more like a woman with long black hair that shines like silk and skin that gleams in every way.

THE GREATEST FEAR

Well, I guess, I was not that so lucky either. Yes, I had minimal first-trimester symptoms, but I had the greatest scare in the second trimester. I was diagnosed high-risk for genetic abnormalities because of my advanced maternal age that I had to undergo another invasive test to confirm the baby`s condition. Another thousands of yen thrown out the window of dreams. Another doubt. Another fear. Another series of what-ifs. Another crossroad. But then, I think I was indeed lucky and blessed. The test result showed negative. There was nothing to worry about.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

After that, I was in heaven of excitement. I took pictures of my belly bump almost weekly (I only missed a week coz I got busy and forgot). I took pictures and videos of my pregnant self in different angles and different attires, in different places inside our house. The weekly photos, I made sure to wear the same dress and be taken in the same location to see the changes. I watched Youtube videos and read articles about pregnancy and childbirth.

BELLY-WATCHING

Now, in my third trimester, my pastime is watching my baby move inside my belly. There is nothing more fun, more amazing than feeling and watching the movement of life inside me. My phone is full of moving-belly videos. Sometimes when I review the video, almost no movement could be seen. Only I can feel it. Nobody can see it. No video can capture. So I had to delete it coz it is only taking up space in my memory. Nobody wants to watch a stagnant big belly anyway. But sometimes I get lucky to record the movement that is so obvious.

 

 

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You can see how my belly dances on its own, how my baby makes my belly wave. It is so cute and creepy sometimes. Sometimes, I can feel a part of my belly turning hard and round. It feels like a baby’s body part (bum or foot). Sometimes I suddenly jerk because it hurts when she kicks or jabs.

MORE WEIRDS

So far, the worst part of the third-trimester for me is the intense itch I feel in my hands and feet. It is so itchy that I want to burn my hands and feet or cut them off just so to ease my feeling. The itch-attack happens anytime of the day and even during my sleep. Not to mention the leg cramp that wakes me up in the middle of the dawn. I usually have it on my right leg. Out of nowhere in my sleep, my right leg hardens and gives me a lot of pain that I had to wake up and massage it to return to normal.

And the weirdest of them all, the swelling of my taste buds. One night while brushing my teeth, my mouth bled and I noticed the swollen taste bud in the middle of my tongue. That moment it was clear to me the reason why my mouth bled suddenly weeks ago when I was taking a shower. So, the next day, I went to consult the dentist. But all he could do is nothing and instead ordered the nurses to do teeth cleaning which I was sure I didn’t need. Nothing was done with my swollen taste bud. That night, I had another scare. I was taking a shower and my mouth bled. And bled and bled and it didn’t stop. Red, fresh blood coming from my tongue. I didn’t know if I should finish my shower or just wipe myself and figure out what to do. But I managed to hurriedly finish my shower. I called my mother and showed her what’s going on with me. Blood when I spat. I asked her help to wipe me dry and put on my clothes. I applied pressure on the affected area of my tongue but still, the bleeding continued. I went upstairs and showed my husband. We were about to call the ambulance when I hesitated and thought of putting ice cubes on my tongue to help stop the bleeding. At first, it didn’t work. I grabbed a dress and wore it on top of my sleeping clothes. I was prepared to get on the ambulance but I waited for another five minutes. And thank goodness the bleeding stopped. The next night as I was washing my face, my mouth bled again. It happened again but I was calmer and I knew what to do. I put ice cubes and applied pressure on the swollen taste buds.

These weird things that’s going on with my body are all but the effect of hormonal changes. The other night when we video called my brother and sister-in-law who is also pregnant (four weeks ahead of me), I saw her stomach so so very big like it’s gonna explode and her foot swollen like it was bitten by a hundred bees. It was edema. Another pregnancy side effect. I’m not there yet and I’m scared to get there. And it looks like I’m gonna get there soon. I hope not.

ANTICIPATION

But what I’m most scared of now is to have a premature delivery. God forbids. I am already 35 weeks and I still have 5 more weeks before my due date. Or shall I say – I ONLY have 5 weeks more to welcome baby to the world.

I can’t wait for that day to come. To see her safe and healthy and kicking and crying. I count every day and week that pass which means she’s closer to her safe birthday.

But as long as that day has not arrived yet, I can’t rest well. I know it’s not good to be anxious and that I should just relax and enjoy every step of the way, but sometimes I can’t avoid being a worrywart. It’s hard and beautiful at the same time.

And having these feelings make me love and appreciate my mother even more. She did it seven times. She went through these pregnancy ups and downs seven times.

What a brave and strong woman!

FINAL VERDICT

Salute to my mother and all mothers in the world. And all women who rode thru the same rollercoaster of pregnancy and those who are willing to go thru the same ride.

It is the rough and tough road of pregnancy that makes it the most amazing, the most beautiful journey a woman will experience. Pregnancy is what makes women even more powerful and even stronger.

But I guess pregnancy is only second to motherhood when pregnancy ends into childbirth. And that’s another journey. Another story to tell.

Till then.