I didn’t know that weaning is harder than when I was starting to breastfeed.

More than the physical pain I felt in my breast when I started breastfeeding, weaning is breaking my heart seeing my baby, my then baby, now a toddler, struggling to let go.

Tonight, more than ever, I felt really sorry for her and I gave in and lost.

Here’s why.

After bath time, she did her usual boobie time and accidentally bit my nipple to which I reacted with an intentional sniff but real tears. It really hurt. Really hurt. And she knew that she hurt me I could see it in her eyes. She came to me and opened her arms to give me a big hug. And out of that mommy crying scene, I thought of an idea. Why not put a band aid on my nipple (mommy got a boo boo because the baby bit her excuse). Not just one nipple, but both, even though she only bit one.

Now, it was time to sleep but she couldn’t do boobie time. She asked me to read her before-bedtime book, the Goodnight Moon. So we read the book, but she wanted me to read it again and again and again and again – I was the one who became sleepy. Really sleepy. So I closed my eyes and cuddled under my futon. She wanted to do boobie but I told her she can’t and showed her the band aid. She tried to wake me up, make me stand, and tried to hide under the futon with me. She didn’t know what to do without the boobie. But I didn’t budge and pretended fast asleep.

Until she got really sleepy and cuddled with me under the futon with her face leaning on my breast staring at the bandaged nipple. With her tiny little fingers, she tried to slowly remove the band aid. She didn’t know I was watching her over her head. Every time she hit my nipple, I said ‘ouch’ and pretended it hurt.

It was heart-breaking to see my little girl trying hard to let go of her ‘before bed time boobie time’. But then I thought I have to be strong and this thing I am doing is for her. She needs to let go. She is turning two years old tomorrow!

The thing that happened next tore my willpower into pieces of pity. I heard my little girl sniff and when I checked to see her face, she literally had the sad face with the corners of her mouth angled downwards, and worst, she had tears flowing down her cheeks while staring at my breast. It was so heart-wrenching to see her in that state.

I’m all but weak.

That was the end of my drama.

I asked her what happened and she said “take off” while sobbing referring to the band aid I put on my nipple.

And so poor mommy followed her master’s command. And just a few minutes after that, my little girl fell asleep with the boobie in her mouth just like what happens every night as we hit the sack and every nap time.

Tomorrow is another day.

I hope to have more strength and willpower to teach my little girl to let go and start a new journey as she grows up as a toddler – but my baby forever.