Mar Yan

Tag: breastfeeding

  • Weaning my two-year old is harder than I thought

    Weaning my two-year old is harder than I thought

    I didn’t know that weaning is harder than when I was starting to breastfeed.

    More than the physical pain I felt in my breast when I started breastfeeding, weaning is breaking my heart seeing my baby, my then baby, now a toddler, struggling to let go.

    Tonight, more than ever, I felt really sorry for her and I gave in and lost.

    Here’s why.

    After bath time, she did her usual boobie time and accidentally bit my nipple to which I reacted with an intentional sniff but real tears. It really hurt. Really hurt. And she knew that she hurt me I could see it in her eyes. She came to me and opened her arms to give me a big hug. And out of that mommy crying scene, I thought of an idea. Why not put a band aid on my nipple (mommy got a boo boo because the baby bit her excuse). Not just one nipple, but both, even though she only bit one.

    Now, it was time to sleep but she couldn’t do boobie time. She asked me to read her before-bedtime book, the Goodnight Moon. So we read the book, but she wanted me to read it again and again and again and again – I was the one who became sleepy. Really sleepy. So I closed my eyes and cuddled under my futon. She wanted to do boobie but I told her she can’t and showed her the band aid. She tried to wake me up, make me stand, and tried to hide under the futon with me. She didn’t know what to do without the boobie. But I didn’t budge and pretended fast asleep.

    Until she got really sleepy and cuddled with me under the futon with her face leaning on my breast staring at the bandaged nipple. With her tiny little fingers, she tried to slowly remove the band aid. She didn’t know I was watching her over her head. Every time she hit my nipple, I said ‘ouch’ and pretended it hurt.

    It was heart-breaking to see my little girl trying hard to let go of her ‘before bed time boobie time’. But then I thought I have to be strong and this thing I am doing is for her. She needs to let go. She is turning two years old tomorrow!

    The thing that happened next tore my willpower into pieces of pity. I heard my little girl sniff and when I checked to see her face, she literally had the sad face with the corners of her mouth angled downwards, and worst, she had tears flowing down her cheeks while staring at my breast. It was so heart-wrenching to see her in that state.

    I’m all but weak.

    That was the end of my drama.

    I asked her what happened and she said “take off” while sobbing referring to the band aid I put on my nipple.

    And so poor mommy followed her master’s command. And just a few minutes after that, my little girl fell asleep with the boobie in her mouth just like what happens every night as we hit the sack and every nap time.

    Tomorrow is another day.

    I hope to have more strength and willpower to teach my little girl to let go and start a new journey as she grows up as a toddler – but my baby forever.

  • My Breastfeeding Story

    My Breastfeeding Story

    I thought I had already gone through the most difficult part when I delivered my baby until I started breastfeeding.

    I never thought breastfeeding will give me so much emotions – pain, happiness, love. I was too focused on pregnancy and giving birth and no one really told me about the beauty and struggles of breastfeeding.

    In the beginning, breastfeeding is very hard and very painful, as painful as labor pains or even more (at least for me). There was even a time I just wanted my breast cut off. I felt electrocuted, or like a hundred ants nibbling my nipples.

    The first weeks are the most horribly painful part but it gets better as time goes by.

    Our very first breastfeeding session 10/23/2019 7a.m, the day after delivery

    Below are some of my breastfeeding experiences I would like to share and only breastfeeding mothers can relate.

    1. When baby was still too small to master the latch and her daily struggles to latch literally cut my nipples to bleed. Nipple shield on the rescue.

    2. When I forget to switch. One side orange , one side coconut.

    3. When baby cluster feeds, feeds for hours, feeds constantly and never gets satisfied. It makes me wonder the amount of my milk supply. Is my breastmilk sufficient enough?

    4. When baby likes to massage, pinch, scratch and squeeze my boob with her little hands while breastfeeding and worse I forgot to clip her nails.

    [wpvideo WF0zPOSK ]

    5. When baby is so distracted with the surroundings so feedings take hours to finish. Baby stares at the ceiling, the light, the walls, or my face.

    6. When I want to use the toilet but I’m in the middle of breastfeeding.

    7. When I thought baby is in deep sleep so I try to unlatch only to see her suck hard as if saying “No, I’m not sleeping and you can’t take out the booby from me.

    [wpvideo iUmlKp9b ]

    8. When the mailman delivers a package and needs my sign but I’m breastfeeding and there’s no one else in the house, just baby and me.

    9. When baby coos while breastfeeding.

    [wpvideo BRSiZIAW ]

    10. When baby poops while breastfeeding yet continue to feed.

    11. When baby sleeps for long hours I get very full breast, clogged nipples, rock-hard breast, chills. I’m half dead. Mastitis it is. Thanks for the nurses in my clinic for the breast massage. It really helped.

    12. When baby won’t sleep without booby in her mouth. I’m a human pacifier.

    13. When baby bites and pulls the nipple.

    14. The midnight feedings. Sleepless nights are so real and six to eight hours of continuous sleep is only a wish.

    …………………………………………………..

    My baby is still three months and three weeks as of writing and I’m not even half of my desired breastfeeding journey.

    Even how hard and painful and difficult breastfeeding in the beginning is, I am very grateful and happy to be able to experience this.

    Not all women can be a mother and not all mothers can breastfeed.

    There is a very special feeling that flows with my breastmilk from me to my daughter. A special bond, a baby’s survival, a mother’s unconditional, selfless love.

    To all new moms who are struggling with breastfeeding, in pain, ready to give up. Don’t. Rest assured your glory days will come.

    Now, I enjoy breastfeeding. I love it. I love the feel of my baby in my arms. I love how she needs me. And I hope I can continue to breastfeed her as long as I can, as long as she wants.

    Kudos to all breastfeeding moms.